So, it’s 8:30 am on a sunny Tuesday. I am sitting in our local Starbucks, on a tall chair by the window, looking out over the gardens at city hall. There is a song with a funky beat playing. The two young men sitting at the table beside me are drinking coffee and sharing something on one of their phones. Of course there are coffee making sounds – the whoosh of the steam, the grinding of the beans and the shout-outs of the baristas as the drinks are completed. It’s a typical morning at a typical Starbucks.

So, enquiring readers, I know just what you are thinking, especially if you really know me. Why would I be sitting in a Starbucks at 8:30, just a block or so from my house instead of in my house where the tea is free, there are no distracting sounds and I can write my blog on the comfort of my couch? The title of this post is a clue. I’m here because one of the frigging smoke detectors at our house is chirping. Wait, you say, this has happened before and you’ve dealt with it. Why didn’t you deal with it this morning? Well, let me explain.

I woke up the first time around 6:30. Dale was already out of bed. After checking my phone for the time, I snuggled back into the covers. That’s what you do when you’re retired and it’s 6:30 in the morning and you have no pressing plans. Then at about 7:45 I was startled awake. What was that? I sat up and listened. Nothing. I was about to snuggle back down when I heard it again. The stupid, horrible, annoying smoke detector at the top of the stairs was chirping. Of course, it chirped just as I opened the bedroom door, scaring the crap out of me. I jumped, swore and went back into the bedroom to get my phone. I texted Dale and then went downstairs to get the shop vac. If you’ve been following along with my smoke detector adventures, dear reader, you know that sometimes vacuuming the dust off the detector works, but not this time. I updated Dale by text and started getting dressed. He called to tell me to go buy another Nest Protect smoke detector and he would be home at noon to install it. I finished getting ready, made the bed and got the hell out of Dodge. Which brings me to this Starbucks, waiting for Best Buy to open, so I can buy a smoke detector that doesn’t chirp, because it has an app that tells you the battery is getting low.

I’m beginning to believe in signs. Yesterday I was at the Kia dealership and the fire alarm went off a couple of times. It didn’t chirp, it full out alarmed. And no one batted an eye. So I just sat there too, through the several alarms and I didn’t bat an eye. But it was a sign, a harbinger, that a smoke detector event was going to happen.

I’ve always worried about the detector at the top of the stairs. It is very poorly placed. It’s not right at the top of the stairs where it can be safely dealt with from the landing. No, it’s on the ceiling of the stairwell, about three stairs down. The last time we changed the battery in it, less than a year ago by the way, Dale had to lean the ladder on the bannister so it reached all the way across the stairs to the opposite wall, then get on it while I held it off the bannister. Later today we’ll be repeating that scenario, while we install a smart detector, one that interfaces with “the cloud”, sends messages to my phone that it will be running a test shortly, and emails me once a month to tell me how it’s functioning.

The Starbucks has been steadily busy. I did take advantage of a lull to move from the tall table along the window to a regular table by the window. I should get going, to let someone else sit in my spot, but Best Buy doesn’t open until 10:00 and the guy at the table by the door has been here longer than me and no one’s hurrying him along. And I still have half a big cup of tea left. On an entirely different riff, who decided on the names for the sizes of drinks at Starbucks? “Tall” is the smallest size and “Grande” is a medium. Not very self explanatory, but I guess small, medium and large isn’t cool enough for Starbucks. But I digress…

See, this is why I don’t get up early. The mall, and therefore Best Buy, doesn’t open until 10. Safeway is open so I could go grocery shopping, and I guess I could go for a walk or something stupid like that, but really, there’s not much to do when one has to flee one’s home. Oh my god, listen to me. Last night we watched the news and we saw people fleeing their homes because of hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, floods and fires. And here I am, moaning about a stupid chirping smoke detector.

I was in a great play, “Everything I Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, years ago, one of the first things I did in Port Alberni. It was a series of scenes, most of them monologues, about life. Dale’s favourite scene was about how life is a series of problems or inconveniences and the important thing is to know the difference between them. “A hole in the roof is an inconvenience, no roof is a problem. A lump in your oatmeal and a lump in your breast are not the same thing.” We have a shorthand communication now, based on that scene. Problem? Nope, just an inconvenience. So, as I sit here, in a warm Starbucks, typing a blog post on my iPad using free wifi, drinking a grande English Breakfast tea, with an amazing view of a garden and the clear blue sky above it, I need some perspective. In a couple of hours, for about a hundred dollars, my inconvenience will be solved, an inconvenience that isn’t really all that bad in the great scheme of life. But, really, how many other people have these misadventures with smoke detectors?

The guy at the table near the door just left. Is that a sign that I should move along? My tea is cold and I’ve been parked for over an hour in a 30 minute parking spot. I should go home, check on the situation, use the bathroom and leave again. Wish me luck!

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So after checking at home, I went to Best Buy and then grocery shopping. When I got back home Dale was already there. I held the ladder while he removed the old smoke detector, swearing at it every time it chirped. Once it was down he turned the power back on, got the wifi up and running and then installed the Nest Protect. After two noisy tests, we were done. It was very easy to set up the connection between the Nest Protect on the main level with the new one on the stairwell.

It’s the afternoon now and I’m back on the couch, finishing up this blog, confident that there will be no more chirping to interrupt my life. There are still regular smoke detectors in the entryway and in the garage but they are easy to reach should the batteries need to be changed. Hey, does that mean I won’t ever have to write about smoke detectors ever again? Well, that calls for a happy dance image!