What is it about a rainy day that sets me to thinking, questioning? Don’t know, but it’s raining now and these are my big thoughts for today.

1. Why is it so hard to let go? I had this discussion recently with a woman I hadn’t seen in years. She told me of an event, in which I had featured, that she had carried around with her for years. She deeply regretted the event, or non-event as it turned out, and she apologized to me for it. And you know what? I had no knowledge, ever, of the event. Not when it happened, not after, never. She thought it had affected me and I had no inkling it had ever happened. She was relieved, but then she started beating herself up for carrying it around for all those years. I’ve done it, I mean, I do it. That’s what we talked about, how we chew on the bad or awful or terrible things we think we’ve done. How we revisit those unkind words or thoughtless things we’ve done, over and over, never letting go, and feeling shame or remorse or both every single time they flash through our consciousness. And yet, we never trot out those wonderful things we’ve done, the good deeds, the acts of wilful kindness we have all done and continue to do. No, those events fly out of our heads the moment they’re over, but the time we did that thing, about 1000 years ago, that thing, it’s here now. I worked with a woman who would literally let those kinds of things go. She would whisper what she had done into her cupped hands. Then she would slowly open her hands while blowing on them. In essence she was freeing the words to the cosmos. It was a physical representation of a metaphysical act. She was letting it go. We are so hard on ourselves. And yet, at the same time we forgive everyone around us for the same things we’ve done. In fact, sometimes we tell them there’s nothing to forgive, really, it was nothing. If only we could be so kind to ourselves. I have a tattoo that is a symbol for mindfulness. There is nothing else in time and space except right now. And if we worry about the future (which we can’t control) or obsess over the past (which we can’t change) we miss this moment. Okay, so you did something bad or rude or mean or thoughtless, whatever. As the late great Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” Learn from it, let it go and move on. Now, if only it was as easy as that.

2. Why do some people work so hard at not being happy? Maybe questions one and two are related; can’t let go, can’t be happy. I have seen people turn beautiful days into life-sucking miserable days. Everything has a negative attached to it. Yes that’s a beautiful garden but imagine how much work it takes to keep it looking that way. The food is good at that restaurant but it takes so long to get there. I would love to go to the mall but it’s always so crowded. Yes, but…. there’s always a but. And you know what Dr. Phil says, “but” means ignore everything I just said. I find being around people like that is so hard. The negativity creeps into your psyche and you find yourself agreeing. Mostly just not to be negative to the person you’re talking to and then suddenly you realize, by trying not to be negative, you have just confirmed every negative thing they’ve said. There’s a wonderful saying that you can either not believe in miracles or you can see miracles all around you. I’ve said this before, you find what you are looking for. And it takes so much effort to turn every positive thing into a negative one, and more than a little creativity at times. But those nasty negative Nellies always rise to the occasion. Have a lovely run of good summer weather? Oh, the forests will burn. Have a couple of rainy days in the summer? This is the worst summer ever. Someone brings you a delicious cake. If I eat that I’ll get fat. Thanks but… Yes but… Wonderful but… The lesson I’ve learned from the wilfully woebegone Williams is that I don’t want to be one of them. Look for crap everywhere and you’ll find it. I don’t want to spend my time looking for crap, because, well, it’s crap. Enough said.

3. Why do we feel guilty when we aren’t busy doing something, anything? I remember when I was working and on Monday morning in the staff room everyone would be reciting all the things they did on the weekend. I was always so amazed. How did they fit all of that into two days? They were: riding bikes for miles and miles on backroad trails while listening to a book on some big-brain topic on tape, preparing for the workshop they would be giving at the upcoming international conference; hosting music evenings with an international sampling of homemade, organic, vegan appetizers; watching a teleconference on new cognitive research and taking notes for the distance education course they were taking; participating in a stream-cleaning event before driving their children to two separate provincial championships… I had done the grocery shopping, cleaned the toilets and watched the kids mow the lawn. My ideal weekend would have been to have done nothing but eat microwaved left-overs from their containers while sitting on the couch in my pyjamas. And that can only happen when your kids and husband aren’t home, which is ideal too. Heaven forbid that we should ever sit and just be. Hike to the waterfall, but then enjoy the sound of the water and the wind in the trees once you get there. Linger over that cup of coffee and savour the last bite of the chocolate cake you spent so much time making with your children. I guess part of it goes back to those sayings we’ve all heard – idle hands are the devil’s playground, or it is an idle brain is the devil’s workshop? Either way, not good. “Idleness is the root of all evil” according to Hannah More, hmm, thought that was the love of money. “Idleness is a constant sin”, gee thanks Anne Baxter. No wonder there seems to be a competition for who can be the busiest because that means you’re the best. Those of us on the couch are sluggards and sinners, actually courting the devil himself. And yet you can find also find quotes extolling the virtues of being still, sitting quietly listening to the sounds of nature or that inner voice that guides our actions too, recharged our over-extended and nearly depleted batteries. I’ve let this one go. I can be busy with the best, but I’m no slouch when it comes to doing nothing.

Speaking of doing nothing, Coronation Street will be on soon. I want to be present for it, it’s a double show. So I’m going to let go of everything else that has to be done, make a pot of tea and settle in. Now that’s a good way to spend a rainy day.