I have a dear friend who lives in a townhouse complex in Langley. I’m going to call her Eunice to protect her identity. Her bedroom window looks over her small backyard. Beyond the tall privacy fence is the second row of townhouses in the complex. This row of townhouses has their backyards on the other side of the fence. Got it? Townhouse, small backyard, tall privacy fence, small backyard, townhouse. Eunice sleeps with her bedroom window open; wide open in summer, less open in spring and fall, and still open in winter. It’s safe. A person with nefarious intent would have to jump across the fences between the townhouses as well as scale the large privacy fence between the rows of townhouses.

All was good with my dear friend Eunice until the older couple in the townhouse behind hers got a dog. The puppy howled most of the night for about a week but Eunice knew that was behaviour that would change when the puppy got a little older and more secure in its new environment. So she closed the window. And she was right. It stopped. Eunice reopened the window. She always sleeps with an open window, all year long. Except when the temperatures soared over 35°. Then she closed all the windows and turned on the A/C. But as soon as it cooled off at night, the A/C was turned off and the windows were opened wide. The A/C was nice, but it cost money and Eunice was on a fixed budget. And the cool evening air was much fresher and nicer to breathe than the air from the A/C.

So, window wide open, Eunice settled back into cooler, quieter sleeps. That is, until the older couple started letting the puppy out for an early morning pee. Eunice didn’t hear the sliding glass door open. That wasn’t the problem. She didn’t hear the little dog running around the backyard on the other side of the fence, pushing its nose into the flowers in the small bed along the fence and poking under the big leaves. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that either the older man or the older woman in the townhouse on the other side of the privacy fence would stand at the sliding glass door and encourage the puppy to do its business. Loudly and insistently. And for quite a long time as the puppy was far more interested in exploring the backyard than doing its business. Between 6:00 and 6:15 every morning:

“Okay Paddington, go pee. That’s a good boy. No, stay out of there. No Paddington! No! Go pee. Hurry up. Come on Paddington, go pee. Go pee! If you go pee, you’ll get a cookie. No, after you go pee, no cookie now. No cookie until you go pee. Go on, go pee. Good boy! You went pee! Good boy Paddington. Now come over back inside and get a cookie. Come on Paddington, inside. Come to Mommy (or Daddy depending on whose job it was to take Paddington out) and get your cookie. Come on. No. Leave that alone. Come in! Now! Good boy! Good boy! Okay, let’s go get your cookie, you’re a good boy!”

The script was similar every morning. Again, Eunice decided to bide her time. The little dog would soon learn to pop outside, go pee and then pop back in to get a cookie. The backyard was fully fenced. Surely the older couple would learn the doggie could be let out and then let back in. Training wouldn’t take long. And Eunice always went back to sleep after the early morning pee call, so no harm, no foul.

During the day, the little dog wanted out a lot. And again, the one of the older couple would stand at the door, carrying on a conversation with the puppy. Eunice could deal with this as she sat reading in her comfy outdoor chair on the small patio just outside her sliding glass door. She sometimes chuckled as she imagined what the little guy was getting up to on his side of the fence. Again, she wasn’t worried about loud conversations. The little dog would learn to ask to go out and to not dig up the grass or uproot the flowers. And the older couple would get more comfortable leaving him out on his own… or so Eunice thought.

Fast forward four months to now, full on summer. Full on Paddington, who hasn’t learned to go pee in the morning or to be in the backyard without constant, vocal supervision. Full on doggie parents who do take the dog for walks, but who can’t trust it in the backyard alone. Ever. And who never go out into the yard to discipline the dog. Who seem to think telling the dog to stop and promising a cookie is the only technique needed.

Eunice is now frustrated. Her back neighbours don’t seem to be concerned about their constant, noisy intrusion into other peoples’ lives. Eunice is thinking about getting an imaginary cat. And as soon as the older couple has success with Paddington and are quietly back inside, the cat will need to go out, or come in. Eunice imagines the conversations she might have with the cat:

”Here kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on in. That’s a good kitty. Ohh, I love you. What a good kitty. Yes, you love it when I rub between your ears. Ouch! No kitty! No scratching! I didn’t mean to touch your tail. You turned too quickly. I’m sorry. And you’re sorry too, aren’t you, my lovely kitty. Yes you are. Mommy’s sorry, she won’t touch your tail again. Come on inside.what a good kitty.”

”Here kitty, kitty. What’s that you’ve got? Let’s we see. Let Mommy see. Oh my God! You’ve got an effing snake. For God’s sake, no snakes in the house! Get rid of it! Oh God! It’s still alive! Take it away! No, away! Away! FFS, where’s the broom? Where’s the broom?! Shoo, go away snake. Leave the snake alone! No, kitty! Bad kitty! Inside, and no more snakes.”

Of course, there would be similar conversations for birds, mice and any other little presents the imaginary cat might bring. Eunice amuses herself with these talks she could have with her pretend pet, but she knows she’ll never do it. The last thing she needs is for her neighbours to think she’s a crazy cat lady. But it helps with the frustration she’s feeling with the dopey doggie and the overprotective, loud talking couple on the other side of the tall privacy fence. And it is fodder for the hilarious stories she regales me with when we video chat. I can’t wait until I can hear the Paddington experience for myself.