For the past few months I’ve been involved in a production of “The Little Years” with Emerald Pig Theatrical Society. It’s a play by John Mighton. It deals with the big issues of family, gender roles, mental illness and how time and societal norms affect us all. It was a thought-provoking process going through the play. We had many good discussions around the table. As we rehearsed we learned more and we found moments that affected our characters, moments we played up or toned down. That process continued through the performances. As a cast we grew together, the relationships between the characters and the actors deepened. We all made mistakes on stage and we all supported each other through them.

Our final performance was at the Fraser Valley Zone Festival. We had to load into the theatre and get everything ready in about 5 hours. The technical side of things took a long time and we actors hung out backstage, running lines, trying to keep our anxiety down and our energy up. Finally we headed to the dressing room, did our make-up and got into our first costumes. At the top of the show I was standing in the wings, waiting to help another actor with her quick change between the first and second scenes. Then I walked backstage to the other wing to await my entrance.

I watched and listened as I stood there, and although the lighting wasn’t great and there were some sound issues (as well as some video mishaps that we couldn’t see), the actors sounded and looked great. I marvelled at their expressions, their inflections, the connections between them, the energy they were projecting… My nerves disappeared. I swear I saw fairy dust in the lights. I relaxed, fell into the moment and stayed there. When I stepped onto the stage I was fully aware of everything around me but I was also fully into my character and her situations. Our performance felt magical. Now, it may not have seemed like that to everyone who was watching but that was irrelevant. Indeed, that is a theme of the play. We are all affected differently by the same moments in time. My moment of self-realization or inspiration may not be your moment, in fact, it may be something entirely different to you, but that doesn’t negate either experience.

After the show I stayed with that feeling. Some of my castmates felt the same way, and so did some audience members. There were many big hugs and a lot of kind words. The next day however, it was clear that the adjudicator didn’t share our feelings and at first that bothered but then I let it go. My experience and my feelings were real, and that was worth celebrating.

After the adjudication, as I was driving home, I found my way back to that moment in the wings. I reclaimed all the feelings I had – joy, pride, accomplishment and a profound sense of being connected. Nothing and no one should be allowed to mess with that. While it’s nice to be recognized by someone who is deemed to be an expert, in the end it is still just one person’s opinion. Should her opinion count more than the opinion of the cast mate who hugged me as soon as we cleared the stage crying, saying “Oh we did good! That was so real!”? Or the front of house manager who pulled me into a big hug after the show, saying I was fabulous, absolutely fabulous? Or the audience members who stayed to congratulate us all on a job well done? No. The adjudicator’s expertise can inform us for our next production. The advice and comments given can help us to learn and grow as actors and directors. But that opinion isn’t more important or valid or real than any other opinion.

So, the experience I had is one I will treasure. Sitting here, I see myself standing offstage, in the dark, watching and listening to the actors on stage. I feel the magic, like the fairy dust motes, descending on me. I remember every second on stage. We were fully committed but relaxed, as evidenced by the wink one actor gave me when I said the right word in a line that I had messed up when we had run the scene earlier. The strong positive feelings I had will stay with me for a long long time, and I will recall them when I need cheering up. Or when I need to feel more confident and competent. Hmm, if memories become stronger the more we recall them, this one will be imprinted as strongly as a memory can, for like most actors, I am often beset by self doubt.

Postscript – At the awards gala at the end of the festival, three members of our cast were recognized; John won best supporting actor, Lynne received an honourable mention for best supporting actress and Beth received an adjudicator’s certificate for best young actress.